Harry
In 2020 I found myself sitting across from a psychotherapist named Harry. Not my first therapist. But the first one who actually saw me.
He told me I showed signs of 'codependency'. That was a new concept for me. But when he explained it, I felt something shift.
I had spent years being available for everyone. Calm, agreeable, never a burden. While underneath, there was anger. Sadness. Frustration. Kept carefully out of sight.
Harry guided me to trace it back to where it began. And something in me caught fire.
Before Harry, I knew exactly what my life was supposed to look like. And for a long time, it did. I've lived in a golden cage. Shiny and desirable from the outside, empty, dull and exhausting from within. Lying awake at night, not because I couldn't sleep, but because of the grinding discomfort of being a B-actor in the wrong film. My own film. But also the fear to jump off. The life that depends on the income that depends on the job. The family. The expectations. Who I was supposed to be. What I actually wanted. How I had ended up here.
From thereI read everything I could find. Neuroscience, trauma theory, the mechanics of the nervous system. And the hunger never stopped. It still hasn't.
Because what I had discovered wasn't just about me. It was a way through for anyone stuck in a pattern they couldn't name, let alone escape.
A life lived in fullI have never taken the obvious path. I graduated in economics, served on the AIESEC board, won the Varsity for Nereus, and then promptly ignored everything that was expected of me.
I traded new cars in bulk internationally, was already walking around the BYD production facility when these letters still stood for 'Bring You Dollars' (literally : ), designed and built a working mobile phone in China without being an engineer, supplied Dutch infant formula to China when local brands contained melamine.
And somewhere along the way, I pulled espresso shots, sharing what I was discovering with whoever came for a coffee. Watching what landed. Watching what didn't. It was the best research I never planned.
Each chapter taught me something different. About people who had been handed the wrong story about themselves and finally got to rewrite it. About being robbed of everything in China and discovering that complete freedom was hiding underneath.
About keeping your word when no one would blame you for not. About a knowing nod being worth more than any title. About the value of genuine connection. About realising that I too had been handed the wrong story about myself. And that rewriting it changed everything.
None of it prepared me for this work. All of it prepared me for this work.
SleepSleep is where the patterns show up most clearly. When your mind won't switch off at night, it is not a sleeping problem. It is your nervous system checking in at 3 am. And finding it's not safe to let go yet.
My wish? To be someone's Harry.
Frank Baan
The Unlimited Me